Career
One more semester left! It's a contradictory feeling... of things passing by so slowly and so quickly simultaneously. I'm also well on my way of getting a second year of doing clinical work (read: therapy). It's been really exciting, to say the least. I may commute back home around 9 or 10pm on some nights and I may be tired, but at least there's a smile on my face. "Happily tired" is the term Dr. Mango used to describe his days when he literally sees 8 clients in a row. I didn't know what he meant back then, and I certainly have not seen 8 clients in a row (yet), but I think I'm beginning to understand his sentiment. There are a lot of things I still need to address and I'm going to have to start job inquiries here and there. I can only hope that the momentum that's been building in the past 3 years doesn't stop. It'd be really nice for me to actually claim that I have a career, as opposed to always chasing after one.
Love
Still single. Actually, I had an extended conversation today with some friends on "destiny" and we were trying to figure out how that fits when it comes to things like "free will" and "God's will." The conclusion was that we all have destiny if we freely choose to surrender our lives to God, because in that act, we'll believe that He has a plan for each of us. My friend had spent the past year looking for a job to no avail; I had spent the past year surfing through online dating sites (somewhat non-committal, I admit). We both felt stuck and frustrated, sure, but we also both concluded that because we believe in surrendering ourselves to God's will, that most likely the best thing to do when nothing's happening is to actually just accept it and lay low. We never know, God might be protecting us from a greater mishap. God might be protecting me from dating some serious idiots out there. From that perspective, I feel a lot calmer, hahaha.
Also, I can totally see myself experiencing a really short courtship; or being one of the last one in my circles of friends to get married; or both. I feel like it'd be so like me to not beat around the bush if I ever meet the right guy. I'm so over that whole lavish reception thing.
Sometimes I imagine my conversations with God to go something like this:
"So, God, where is this guy? What's taking so long?"Home
"Relax, I'm working on it."
"What's there to work on?? I don't get it!"
"Look, he's not ready for you either!"
I feel like I spent my year living with my mom like some kind of wife-training. She works now and there have been multiple times where I'd have dinner ready just as she walks through the door. I'm in charge of the laundry. She whines when I'm not regular about washing the dishes, or not following her sense of organization with regards to the contents of our refrigerator. Other than that, it's been peaceful living.
I haven't spoken to my dad at all so by this coming April, it'll be 2 years since I heard a word from him. What's more remarkable is how untroubled I am with all this. I feel like I'll eventually want to initiate contact with him but as of now, I'm completely disinterested. It's as if it's just not the right time. "Destiny" just snuck in there again, didn't it? Somewhere deep down, I truly believe that God will orchestrate that opportunity for me.
Friends
Maybe it's my age, but nowadays, I don't really feel the need to maintain large circles of friends anymore. I do realize that I am definitely blessed to have so many good relationships with so many people but I'm the type who prefers to be intimate with a select few. Actually, I think most people are that way. I mean, even when Jesus had the 12 Apostles as His buddies when He walked the earth, He still had a couple of people that were near and dear to His heart. Arguably, John was His best friend. Isn't that so interesting? I find it so fascinating, and it doesn't detract from Jesus' divinity at all. On the contrary, I feel like it's further proof of how Jesus united our humanity to Himself so that we may, in all aspects of our lives, be eventual co-heirs to the Kingdom of God. So thank you for being my friend =]
Faith
I'm beginning to think how weird it is for this to have its own separate section, when my faith seems to permeate in all other aforementioned sections. Maybe I'm beginning to feel lazy about posting yearly reflections.
My faith this year has been... inconsistent. Or, at least, I feel like it has. It's pretty much an extension of 2010. I had episodes where I stopped going to Mass, or even Confession. I had moments where I was extremely angry at God, and moments where I had to fall to my knees in humiliation and praise. It's as if God desires to purify me in a refiner's fire, and I keep pushing it away. I don't have the self-discipline or zeal to go through with that. Maybe this struggle itself is part of being in a refiner's fire. In many ways, God has been bringing light into my darkest places, exposing those things for what they are. Truthfully, I have been most unappreciative. But when I get past my pride, I can see how this process is actually strengthening my faith. When one sees, truly, how small one is, then, it gets a lot easier to spot God's presence and His work in the midst of all that I lack. I wonder how many saints in the past got to heaven by kicking and screaming throughout their whole life? I'm hoping that those saints do exist. Precedence is never a bad thing to fall back on. I think Moses used it countless times to stay God's wrath towards His people wandering in the desert =]
