Pause and Look Around

After hours of trying to pass time until my next client comes along, I've finally resorted to revisiting this blog. (You're welcome, you-know-who-you-are).

I guess you could say that there's been a lot that's been going on, so I'm not sure what to ruminate on, or even where to begin. I've been going through a lot of ups and downs spiritually and emotionally. Just when I begin to think I'm finally stabilizing, I derail myself. It's as if there's a part of me that really hates me and wants to do everything in its power to destroy me. It sounds really dramatic, I know, and I assure you that I do not have an ounce of suicidal ideation. I've been struggling a lot with trying to get really right with God but my choices and sometimes my circumstances aren't optimizing my ability to do so. In fact, I can't recall a time where I've had such a struggle. In many ways, this is new territory for me. Be careful for what you pray for, haha.

Somewhat ironically, last week I was asked to give a small talk for a BSJ team this coming Friday and the topic was (OF COURSE) "Growth." So it was actually an opportune time for me to reflect on how I've grown in the past 10 years as a practicing Catholic and how much the charismatic movement has molded my spirituality and where I still fall short. Of course, because I am the most intimately aware of myself, my flaws and deficiencies glare back at me with a kind of intensity that no one ever truly deserves. This results in my forgetting myself and all my so-called achievements and an easy opening for temptation to convince me that I can't ever find favor with God, and since He cannot love me because of my deficiencies, I should stay away from Him. Even when the message is the complete opposite: that This Guy comes to me precisely because I have so many things I suck at and only wants to find those holes and fill them up with His Love-- these days, I have a hard time believing in it. I can't understand how it's moments like these where my faith in Him is actually deepening, gaining strength. I don't understand it at all and maybe it's high time that I give up on trying to do so. I need to look at Jesus, only at Jesus, and trust in Him.

This may be the greatest lesson I'll ever learn. This may be the lesson I'll spend my entire life learning.