It's only been less than 24 hours since the event ended, but I'm already realizing what a truly profound experience this was for me. On a side note (already), this only reinforces my love-hate relationship with Cunae conferences: the highest of highs and the lowest of lows for me in terms of serving God is always conference-related. And, as I am reflecting on this experience in its entirety (from prep to the actual event), it would seem that I happened to experience the extreme ends of both sides of the service spectrum. Such an extreme swing from one end to the other for Conference 2011 is what made me determine to hash it out by writing it.
I'm beginning to realize that abandonment is a huge issue for me. For the longest time, even after I learned that abandonment was a major issue/fear for women (even with Biblican origins-- thanks, Eve), I thought that just knowing that it was an issue and being aware of it was more than enough to maintain my mental health. This particular conference experience, however, made me realize that I assumed wrongly.
For me, personally, the vocation panel during workshop time was the pivotal point in changing how I viewed myself. It wasn't even a workshop I intended to go to either. In fact, I was physically brought there, thanks to a certain nun who hooked her arm around mine and began to walk. And when I got there, I began to realize how appropriate it was for me to be there. Everyone who participated in the panel: the seminarian, the future novice, the married couple-- every individual I had personally witnessed through retreats and/or serving together and/or have an actual relationship with. And I think it was while I was listening to their stories that I began to realize just how integral God was in my life, andhow much work He put in with me, in me, and through me. I had spent months being angry at God, believing that He had somehow tossed me away and left me hanging. My attendance at that workshop, knowing in my heart that these people who were witnessing God in front of me were absolutely happy, allowed me to pray to God and ask Him to show me the root cause of my unhappiness and distrust in Him.
And that’s the thing: I’ve felt so lonely in the past year. I felt that no one actually cared for me; there was no one out there who could actively pursue me for being me; there was no one who would want to try to understand me. My existence, it felt, was a waste, even when my brain told me otherwise. As it turns out, the pain I’ve had to endure in the past few years blinded me from the Truth. That God loves me. That He never let me go. He never abandoned me. It was a Truth I couldn’t bring myself to believe for the longest time. It was during this conference that I was able to begin to really believe from the bottom of my heart the goodness of God, how much I didn’t have to prove anything in order to receive His Love.
I’ll still have my off days, I’m sure. The sole difference is the manner in which I move forward. And that single difference makes all the difference in the world.
In the cool of the day
You come and meet me
All the blue fades away
The stars are winking
Your love's so strong
I can't recall
What was this thing
They called the fall?
And You walk with me
You never leave
You're making my heart a garden
Oh, why would I hide
Away from Your face
When the light of Your love
Illuminates?
Your hand in mine
A steady line
Drawn on my heart
And deep in my mind
And You walk with me
You never leave
You're making my heart a garden
All the broken are mending
The mournful rejoicing
Seeing through tears
Of peace overflowing
And You walk with me
You never leave
You're making my heart a garden
Yeah, You walk with me
You never leave
You're making our world a garden
~Matt Maher
