I think it's official now: I don't have any real urges to write on this blog anymore, or perhaps write in general. I feel like my thoughts ought to be more private. It's not like I think less these days, far from it. The simple urge to express it in writing is fading. That's all there is to it.
With that said, much as happened since I blogged my reflection. I started the process of forgiving my father in earnest. Less than a month ago, I prayed for the first time for God to give me back my dad. I still have no idea how I would react if I ever physically saw him, or heard his voice, but I think that's the least of my concerns.
What's the most important to me right now is my returning to God sincerely. I feel like I've wandered off the narrow path, content to thrash around in the brush, running into spider webs and thorn bushes, cursing when my feet fall into unseen holes covered by the fallen leaves. But the incredible thing is no matter how far I stray, God always sets the correct path right next to me, patiently waiting for me to hop back on again. So simple. So merciful. As a certain Catholic blogger I avidly follow once wrote: Every moment with God is a moment to begin again. Beautiful.
Hence, the rollercoaster. I have good moments and bad moments that juxtapose with each other in such rapid succession that I think I've become spiritually bipolar. Some days, I just feel like I'm going crazy with the tempest that's swirling in my soul. Someone out there is clearly not happy with my current effort to draw closer to God. Well, too bad.
Here's the thing: it's way too easy for me to feel like a failure lately. I look back in the last 6 months or so with regards to how I behaved, how I would not trust in God and I keep thinking to myself, what a waste. What a waste of suffering I could've joyfully embraced for the sake of others in need of prayer. What a waste of missed opportunities to fast and pray and offer everything, especially my sufferings, to GOD. The temptation now is to feel like an utter failure and believe that I will forever be a horrible Catholic, so why bother staying Catholic? HA.
If there's one glorious thing about sin, it's that sin reminds us of how much we need Christ. It's that sin provides a window for intimately knowing who we are and humbly accepting this knowledge because God has already accepted that of us and still Loves us. This is such an incredible Love which is probably why I am so drawn to the Divine Mercy devotion. It's in Divine Mercy that we can have the courage to look at ourselves honestly. It's in looking at ourselves honestly that we can unite with God and still walk the narrow path to sainthood. Be holy.
