Career
I am still in my program but now I'm seeing clients! Clients are.... hard. They're stubborn, with a certain amount of ingenuousness that makes progress feel like pulling teeth. Some people are lucky enough to perceive individuals who approach them wanting to change. Me, I see people who want problems fixed without any repercussions to their behavior-- particularly the behavior that leads to their current problems. Nevertheless, it is thrilling and I'm happy to be finally doing something that I enjoy as I work. Those papers, though, are another story =P
Love
Sigh. I've succumbed to online dating and all its woes. Dated a guy back in April for about a couple of months. Saw 1 or 2 individuals since. Is it bad to be so picky? Especially at my age? Honestly, though, if I do choose to lower my standards, I feel like I would be making a huge mistake because I would have already compromised the quality of our relationship. I still think I'd rather be single if I don't meet Mr. Good-Enough. The idea of entering a convent is still a possibility for me.
Home
I've moved back into my house of origin back in August. I haven't spoken to my dad in months. I'm in the process of trying to get to a point where I can forgive him. When I can, then I would be okay with having a relationship with him again. But for now, I still have no desire to get in touch with him. On the other hand, my mom and I have been developing a great relationship. She still nags about silly things like my weight gain or the pimples on my face, but at least our arguments now end in some kind of laughter. We used to walk away from each other in a huff. My mom has noted that ever since I started seeing clients, I've been getting better at arguing with her. I think somewhere in my brain, it was convinced that if I can talk back to my mom, I can talk back to anyone. So far, it's been working.
Friends
Friends come and go. The few that remain constant through the years, however, are the ones worth paying attention to. I can't think of another period of my life where this has actually happened. In a way, these constant sets of friends I have is a new experience for me and one that I relish and appreciate. Twenty years ago, I was a depressed girl, crying secretly in my bedroom, telling God how much I want a million friends and getting mad at Him because He wasn't answering my prayers. Now I know He heard. He delivered to me a gift I hope to appreciate for the rest of my life.
Faith
Now that the adrenaline and drama of last year has faded, what replaced it was a certain amount of numbness. I did not feel any pain. Nor did I feel any true joy in what I was doing. I had gotten lazier and lazier. I turned in assignments in school that I wasn't particularly proud of. Months passed before I began to realize that my inability to forgive my dad was affecting how I prayed, how I treated others... how I lived. And the realization led me to think that I was a horrible person and a failure of a God-fearing woman. The temptation to not go to Mass altogether and stop being Catholic was super strong this year. And every once in a while, that temptation led to absolute apathy. I can't tell you how many times I went to confession expressly to get right with God on that score. It would've been nice for me to claim that my faith never wavered, but I know it did. And even with a wavering faith, God would still send little graces and consolations my way, as if to encourage me to still get up and take another painful step. These little reminders never failed to humble me, as I knew-- HE knew-- in my heart of hearts that I didn't deserve this kind of treatment. But He still made sure to make His love known to me. How can I not be grateful?
2010, I think, was a sad year. I went into it so optimistically and I feel like I've only just emerged from a foggy haze, a bog I was blindly wandering around in with no landmark, and no sound. Utterly numb. And only now it's beginning to hurt. Strangely, these small pains (while they do cause me a certain amount of trepidation) is allowing me to feel hopeful again. I want to be fully alive. I want to feel the sun on my face once more.
