I haven't posted in ages. Mainly because there was nothing to write about. Rather, I was not capable of writing. For instance, the fact that I'm seeing clients this semester, after years of expressing trepidation on this blog, went unnoticed in internet-land. I felt no desire to write of it, or share my experiences thus far. In short, they have been positive.
The pain, then, is more related to the beginnings of a recovery. More metaphorically, I have finally descended into the dark valley where I couldn't see, couldn't feel; the path up, now, is narrow, and lined with thorns. I expect this path to get narrower and more painful before I am able to see the light again.
I am most reassured, however, that these emotions I am finally feeling have a beginning, a middle, and an end. That when I move through these emotions, I'll will be in a different place than where I originally started. I've hiked difficult roads before, where all I can feel is pain and the desire to quit. It takes everything in me to put one foot forward, but I do. Because that is what human freedom is all about it. That is what identifying with Jesus is all about. Because if you claim to be part of the Body, then you will follow the Head. If you follow the Head, you are following Jesus to death on a Cross. If Jesus' walk to death was so painful, so tempting to quit, then who am I to complain? How could I complain in the first place? I will learn to gladly follow Him, so that He may allow me to share in His Resurrection.
My heart is aching in a way it hasn't in a long time. I am actually grateful for this. Put my heart in a refiner's fire, Lord. Make me pure as gold.
