Perhaps I am at a point where I'm tipping into this mysterious realm of wisdom. Very mysterious.
Perhaps evidence of this mystery is present in my current state of mind right before this weekend's Life in the Spirit Seminar. My state of mind being calm, peaceful, and most of the time, relaxed. I do have those tiny moments where I can feel panic struggling to surface but instead of being repressed, it usually dissipates and fizzes out. Last year's director can't believe my current "level of zen." Let me just say that delegating responsibility is a wonderful thing =)
It does make me wonder if this calm is merely a facade. I haven't seen or spoken to my father for over a month. I have no desire to see his confused, yet unrepentant face. But when I try to dredge up anger towards him, my anger is never directed at him. It's always angry at the circumstances, or at God. And even when I'm angry at God, there's a part of me that just *knows* that this anger is temporary and that God allows me to be angry at Him just for the sake of my emotional and spiritual health. We both know that this is part of my humanity and I think I've accepted it as much as He already has. This is what makes me think that my calm is real. I'm not hiding from anything.
I look at this fall with a certain amount of trepidation and curiosity. How will I handle these clients of mine? What kind of person will they see me as? How helpful will I ultimately be?
Pray for all of us at the retreat this weekend, service team, religious, and participants alike. After all, we will ALL be witness to the Holy Spirit.
