The Right Place to Be

Seminar came and went.... and now we are focusing on CONFERENCE.

I'll probably mention this in my witness talk but I'll write it here first. The experience of it all has lately left me with feelings of gratitude. I am so grateful for everything right now, it's uncanny. People are really coming out of the woodwork and going out of their ways to help, to make sacrifices, to make this Conference HAPPEN. I can only attribute this to God, who is ultimately in charge of this whole thing. I'm definitely looking forward to July 25!

With that said, this whole experience is making me extremely busy. I must spend at least 2 hours a day just on emails alone. God knows how many minutes on the phone I spend my time on discussing various Conference issues. School has really taken a back seat.

Life has never been so busy. Life has never been so gratifying and satisfying =)

Going With the Flow

Timing really is everything. Which makes it all the more important to just leave that to God and not worry about it.

The one thing I am struggling with already, as a "leader," is this idea that I don't have to wait for someone's permission in order for me to make a decision and implement it. My entire life had always revolved around "getting" permission from some higher authority and resenting that person for it. Suddenly, I don't have that sort of constraint and I don't really know how to deal with it. I'm slowly learning, however, so we'll see how my summer pans out.

As I've said before, I'm dead serious about the sporadic posts. Blogging is becoming one of my lowest priorities.

Transition

So I've been busy. Is that surprising?

Finals came and went. Now I am using my two-week lull to get all the required documents for my applications together and send them all off before I start my one and only summer session.

I suppose you can say that lots have happened in the past few weeks since my last post. I had thought about this blog from time to time but there was never really anything pressing that was either post-worthy or something that tickled my heart. I'm in one of those "Life, onward!" modes where I don't really have a strong opinion about one thing or another. I'm just on the move =P

I do think about my future more often these days, than not. But the difference between now and the last time I was applying to grad school is that I'm a lot more calm about this (perhaps a bit TOO blase?) than I was for graphic design. Every once in a while I vaguely wonder whether or not I'm taking this too lightly; or this sense of implacableness is evidence of God's grace. I guess I will find out in the next couple of months. Worst case scenario: start grad school in January. Worst worst case scenario: start grad school in Fall 2010. Worst worst worst case? God, I hope not...

Anyways, my future is all up in the air, regardless of how I think about it. My blog posts, too, will be equally as sporadic =P

All You Need is Love

The simplest of answers always seems to have the most difficult of executions. Seems like God built irony right into the human condition. Maybe He thought He was being funny?

I've concluded today that it really is the woman who holds the family together. It is so central a cornerstone that everything is for naught if she doesn't exist. But the amount of power she wields depends on her capacity for love. Her capacity for love determines the extent she will reduce herself down to a slave for the household. Her power, therefore, resides in her humility and her ability to consign herself to ignoble tasks.

I can envision raging feminists frothing at the mouth decrying my claims. Scary.

My point is, there're a lot of different kinds of power. I remember a priest once saying that the argument for female priests in the Catholic Church is based upon this perception of power, with no appreciation or understanding of what it means to be a man or a woman. "We should be able to do what a man can do." And the fact is, sure you can. Surely a woman can go through the motions of a Mass, hold up a piece of bread, mutter the same prayers. BUT she could never turn bread and wine into the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of our Lord. Why? The better question to ponder, perhaps, is why did Jesus choose to become a man? Why did He choose to be born of a woman? Why did He live His life on earth secretly for 30 years in submission to His earthly parents?

I offer no answers, obviously, as I will keep my personal answers to myself. But certainly, these are questions worth tackling if you are struggling with the idea of a female priesthood.

I have yet to see a Christian who does NOT exhort his fellow brothers and sisters to imitate Christ. 'Yes, yes,' they all would nod. And yet, there are very few Christians out there who actually allow themselves to be martyred in their day-to-day affairs. In case you don't know, dying sucks =P Humiliations can be intolerable. Loneliness can be unbearable. Betrayal is the worst feeling in the world, especially coming from someone you love. Certainly, this is the martyrdom we are all called to imitate as Christians. And I am absolutely certain that True Love is the only method by which we can take up our crosses and follow Him, even to His death. Would that we all can accept this slowest of deaths.

Divine Mercy

It's one of my favorite feast days in the Liturgical Year. I think it would be remiss of me to not post a blog on such a day.

I think I'm slowly coming out of the vague morass I found myself in the last few weeks. Discovering exactly how to offer one's sufferings for reparations helped a lot. For whatever reason, I was never able to "get it" until recently. It does wonders because the last thing the devil wants is his temptations be offered up to God for the good of all. And despite the sadness, I can affirm a tiny, Living Joy in my heart when I do that. Slowly, but surely, eh?

Makes me kind of gape at the vast, enormous ocean of Suffering that's enveloped humanity today. In some ways, I think it's lot more sinister than say, ye Olden Days. Sinister, in that the proposed solutions to "end" suffering will only lead to tragedy. The problem is that people are way too eager to get rid of it. They want to get rid of it because they don't want to deal with it. The solution is a self-absorbed solution and answers based on selfishness can never turn out well.

I think this is why Divine Mercy is such an important message to spread. If you're down on  your knees with tears streaking down your face and demanding that God explain why such-and-such happened to you in the cruelest of ways, God won't answer your question. But He will come down, kneel with you, and unite your suffering with His. He will hold onto you tight and prevent you from being swept away from the stormy torrents of your emotions. Is that what we need most in our worst moments? Not answers, but Someone who can simply be there for you.

Jesus, I trust in you!

Distracted

Completely and totally distracted. I never used to be like this. I can't concentrate on my work. I've totally lost sight of my long-term goals. All I can think of is my peripheral participation in the ongoing, childish drama that's unfolding before me and it angers me.

My current thought: so this is how normal people deal with "it." "It" sucks. A lot.

I also find depressing how utterly dependent I am on my parents. I'm almost 30, for crying out loud. The thought of cutting myself off from the funds looks impossible to me. I'm such a princess, seriously. Hence, depression. Congratulations to me; I suck at life.

But, mostly, I'm angry. I'm angry at my dad; I'm angry at my mom; I'm angry (sort of) at God; I'm angry at all the people who made my parents the way they are today; I'm angry at my life and the beautifully ugly hole I've managed to dig and then willingly jump into. It's a great hole. Dank, dirty, wormy, and a bit narrow for that great claustrophobic effect. Just what a typical hole should be. Even in anger, I have to admire my handiwork. Awesome.

I'm pretty close to derailing myself and ruining my future. Once again I'm brought down to my knees and all I can do is pray. Job was a trooper. I should read up on him again.

After the Calm

Peace is so fleeting in this world. At least, the kind that the world likes to offer.

I'm in a terrible bind... nothing in a materialistic sort of way. It's more of the current family situation/atmosphere. I don't even know where to begin. One can usually argue that doctors don't necessarily have to get cancer in order to learn how to cure it. I've been thinking that perhaps God has a different view about that, especially for something like marriage and family therapy =P I don't think that the recent events in my life are a coincidence. I sincerely believe this is a kind of nitty-gritty training for what's to come my way in the future. My strength lies in my empathy, no matter how much I try to hide or deny it. And empathy can only be strengthened by the length of one's suffering.

The fact that I'm still mostly calm, despite the deep pain in my heart, makes me truly believe that God is standing right next to me, one Hand on my shoulder. Perhaps I'm still shocked by the revelations I witnessed today. Or perhaps I'm just too tired to be angry. Whatever the case may be, I have a month to make things right. And this can only be done by the grace of God. Help me, Mother Mary. Our Lady and Mother of Perpetual Help, pray for us, who have recourse to thee!

Congressman Smith: Mrs. Clinton, choose either Our Lady of Guadalupe or Margaret Sanger

http://catholicnewsagency.com/new.php?n=15575

This is a good article that throws some relief on who Margaret Sanger really is.

A Love Forgotten

This isn't a search for God. At least, I don't think it is. I'm in an opportune time to re-evaluate where I've been and where I'm going and my search is more for what I kind of let go of while on the Road.

What I acknowledge is this: it's become a LOT more difficult to be vulnerable. Even a year ago today when I was still involved with church retreats and whatnot, I wasn't really putting myself out there.  Somewhere along the way, I got really jaded about serving. Maybe it's because somewhere deep in my heart, I was completely convinced that I was unlovable, even by God. And that's pretty crazy, considering what I've experienced. But that's also my limitation.

So my search, really, is more like figuring out how I deal with this obstacle that looms before me. I know in my head what the answer is. The problem is how I go about convincing my heart. 

Life is Actually Good

I guess I've temporarily ran out of things to say. I'm sure the verbal puke-age will start up again eventually but for now, you could argue that I am content enough with my life. When everything's hunky-dory, it's hard to write. Most famous writers were pretty crazy anyway.

I'm on spring break right now and find it ironic how much my research group ropes me into doing things when I don't have class. Plus all the people who I haven't seen in a while comes out from the woodwork and I end up hanging out on weeknights eating, drinking, and carousing the nights away.

I do feel a little guilty, though, about how carelessly I seem to be living. It'd be easy to accuse me of not taking any of this seriously. Sometimes I do worry that I'm facing my life a bit TOO relaxed.

Anyways! This entry was just to assure myself that I'm still alive and thinking. Perhaps it's a sign that I'm called to be a witness in real life, rather than talking about God via the Internets.